Dear Caroline,

It's hard to know which: did you need me more or did I need you more?

I never, ever, ever in a million years could have seen our lives forging together in the silly and fun and deep and inquisitive ways that they have. Afterall, you were pretty much what my nightmares were made of: a sporty high school girl? Oh, lord.

It's a good thing God knows us better than we think we know ourselves because I loved your sporty high school girlness from the moment we first met.

Your inquisitive spirit, your searching eyes, your hungry energy - there is so much I love about you and recognized in you from those first few early days. I love your strong morals, your deep belief in yourself and your friends and your family. Your determination to learn more, do more, see more - that hunger that is so deep inside you - I love that about you and pray you never lose that. But if I know you, you won't.

You're a joy in my life that I didn't know I was missing until you showed up. You've inspired me, encouraged me, held me accountable, and been such a fun breakfast date and soul sister friend. You've helped Wimberley feel like home, and in the process have cracked open a few of the tougher, more jagged parts of my heart. You make me proud every single day and to know you, love you, be loved by you, and be known by you is one of my most favorite life treasures.

Thank you and I love you, Caro.

Dear Kat,

I knew you were special the first time Zach ever mentioned you. He didn't mention just anybody that he came across or that he even liked, for if he did he would have been mentioning people left right and center and eventually I would have gotten annoyed at the 100000th person mentioned, told him to stop already, and he probably would have injected with "But wait! I have to tell you about just one more person. It's this cool girl who lives down the hall from me. Her name is Kat." And I would have rolled my eyes and, of course, listened as he kept going.

But it didn't happen like that. He told mom and dad about you before even your first day of classes started. He told me about you that first week. About the "cool and cute" girl who lives down the hall, the one he showed the album I made him to, the one whose room he goes to until Brian can come back and save the day when he locks himself out for the zillionth time. I would always wonder "Who is this Kat girl? Is 'Kat' her real name?"

I met you in February of 2006, two months after December 2005. I really had no business being in Boston, or in Baker House, that winter. But you welcomed me with your arms wide open and with your beautiful smile soft across your face at first, but by the end of the trip, it was big and wide and there all of the time. I knew why Zach liked hanging around you, obviously. You were pretty much his perfect type - beautiful, intelligent, fun, athletic. I loved you from right there and then on.

Thank you for that trip - for welcoming Sam, Michael, and myself. For not thinking it was weird, or for thinking it was and loving on me anyways. Thank you for not letting it end there.

One day when I get to Heaven, I'm going to tell Zach about so much. I can see one of our conversations going a little something like this:

Me: "Zachie, I have to tell you something insane. Like, it is so insane I spent my entire life just wondering HOW."

Zach: "And what's that, little girl? By the sounds of it, you spent your entire life wondering how about a lot of things."

Me: "No, no, this one is at the top of the list. Your MIT friends loved me. Some of them truly loved me. They didn't even KNOW me before you left. Why did they love me like they did? They didn't even have to TALK to me EVER in their life but they did, forever. Do you know how INSANE that is?!"

Zach: "Al, why do you think I was friends with some of them in the first place? I found the ones with the best hearts. God knew what he was doing when he began friendships between me and them. It spanned beyond just my own friendship with each of them. I've watched how they've loved you your entire life since. I've been grateful for them from the beginning, and will be forever. They're the best friends I could have made at MIT."

And then I'll hug him and we'll talk about how grateful we both have been for you, for your family, for Jason.

Kat, thank you for loving me. Sometimes I really still can't even believe it. Thank you for coming to our wedding. It was like part of Zach was there with the three of you there. Thank you for allowing me to shoot your and Jason's wedding, to meet your families (always tell your dad hi for me - that's one sweet man), thank you for letting me come to Boston when the dreaded ten year mark hit. Thank you for taking me around MIT. Thank you for telling me stories about Zach. Thank you for telling them with that sweet smile on your face and the deep love in your eyes. Thank you for hanging out with me. Thank you for always, always, always being just one text message away. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for your strength and intelligence and funness and wisdom and kindness and beauty.

I will always be beyond-this-world grateful for you. You are one of my favorites.

Thank you and I love you. So much.

Dear Shelby,

I didn't really want to turn sixteen. Sure, I was excited to start driving and having a bit of that so-called "freedom" my soul has always fought for, but I wasn't particularly joyful about my birthday that sixteenth year of my life. Most of it had to do with the fact that it was only a few months after Zach happened, and turning a year older meant that time was moving right along, that I wasn't frozen in age with him.

You gave me a gift that birthday that spoke volumes to me then and still does eleven years later. Do you remember? You gave me a James Avery keychain that I kept with me for years and a letter that filled my soul with a kind of reassurance and warmth that I didn't know I needed. I felt loved and protected by you in that moment and in the moments since.

There's always a bright smile on your face, a look of a little bit of mischief going on behind those eyes and I can hear your giggle and laugh from over here. Thank you for being there always, whether up close with innocent gifts that spoke volumes or simply by being a presence always nearby.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Leif,

I disliked you from the moment I met you. In your shiny silver shirt, your spiky, stiff hair, your loud ass eleven-year-old mouth, your cocky little attitude. I thought "who the heck is this doofus? can he go away already?"

I usually pride myself on my first impressions. They're usually spot on. I was dead wrong with you.

That shiny silver shirt wearing kid turned into one of my greatest friends. One of my greatest allies in this life.

You walked through the fires with me, laying down the pavers when the ground got too unbearable, allowing me to hop through just a little bit easier and a lot more fun with your help. Thank you for being such a good friend for so many years. Thank you for always being there with a big Leif hug, a joke that's not even funny but somehow ends up hilarious purely because it came out of your mouth, sweet words of encouragement and a sort of wisdom that only you possess. You are one of my greatest friends in this life.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Asha,

You know how they say out of the ashes we'll rise? Well, out of the ashes I rose with you - my own Asha, who provided hope and belief and joy, just as your name signifies.

I felt the connection from that very first moment we met, like sitting before me was a fellow old soul, a friend with some past connection in life I had been waiting for. Your words felt like truth and your friendship during that particular time when we met felt like the only source of life and inspiration in a creek bed that felt dry as hell. 

You've taught me generosity, both in time, heart, and resources. You've taught me the beauty of speaking slow, of following your dreams and living and breathing and speaking from your soul. You've shown me what it's like to continuously evolve, to continuously pursue new dreams and new passions and new joys in life. You've stretched my horizon lines and encouraged me to pursue what my heart is telling my head, no matter how many excuses the head may have in return. You're a wellspring of peace and calm - you have been from the beginning - and of all the things I'm thankful for about our time spent in Atlanta, you're at the very top of the list.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Ceres,

There are thousands upon thousands of things I love about your brother, but one of the highest on the list? One of the reasons I knew instantly he was a good guy? His love for you.

I love this about him and in turn it makes me love you too.

You’re quick witted and funny. You’re brave and adventerous. You’re kind and you’re fun. So fun. I only wish you lived around the bend so we could have a chance to become the close friends and family I think we would.

Thank you for loving your brother so. Thank you for helping create the man he is today. Thank you for being his sister, the one he loves so.

Thank you and I love you.

Dear Brandon,

Random Nashville meetups with you make me smile, just as you have done for years now. One look at you across a room can instantly bring a smile to my face, and not for any particular reason, but just because you are who you are.

You're goofy and serious, full of dreams and desires. Any room is instantly brighter and more fun with you in it. Your ability to recognize the hard in this life and not shy away from it, your comfort in talking about the ones we miss, all while keeping the mood light and reminding us that we're lucky enough to be here living and breathing and loving - it's one of my favorite things about you. I can't wait to see what roads you barge down year after coming year - I know they'll be a little bit random, paved almost entirely by your own two brave feet, and filled with the music turned up loud, with that infectious laugh of yours filling the silence in between the cheers.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Brian,

The first time Zach showed me who his college roommate would be, I thought “oh my gosh, he’s sooo cute.”

I had no idea at the time, or in the months to follow, how much that eighteen year old kid with swoopy dark hair would come to mean to me. 

You could have walked away without even one more thought. You could have packed your stuff up, left Baker 301 and carried right along. But you didn’t. Instead you hopped on a flight to a tiny town in Texas to be with a family you had only met once before.

Seeing you and having you there during those first several days was the next best thing to having Zach there himself. I will never, ever be able to properly express to you just what your presence in Bellville during that time meant to me and did for me, but I know you played a part in saving my life. I can still feel your presence next to me in the backseat as we drove out to the funeral.

But the craziest thing is you didn’t stop there. You didn’t get on that plane back to Boston and wipe your hands and conscious clean. Instead you did the opposite. You dove into a complicated relationship with a ripped apart and bleeding fifteen year old girl that you barely knew, and twelve years later you're still talking to her, still sharing life with her.

My relationship with you is one of the most treasured relationships in my life.

Out of all the people I’m grateful for in life, you’re at the top of the list. Thank you and I love you so.

Dear Eliza,

Your post-it notes make me smile. They're so you - quirky and small and full of thought.

Becoming friends with you was one of the greatest things to happen during our days spent in Savannah and was an awakening of sorts to so many lovely things in this life, all of which I will forever equate with you.

The way in which you view this world and the people and the things that make up your days is an inspiring take on finding the joy in the details and always keeping your face turned towards the sun. You taught me the beauty of meals from scratch, of inviting your friends into your home, of the simple magic of a meal shared on the floor with friends. Each time I bake something extra chocolatey or try a new dish from a cookbook you gave me, I flash back to those days spent in your company and can't help but smile - for they were sweet and slow, full of teaching and learning, love and friendship all wrapped up into one.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Peggy,

There was always a point when driving down Duerr Drive, usually a little bit too quickly and usually with my mind off in the clouds somewhere, when I would look ahead and see your home before me. Before I whipped that little car into our driveway, before I turned the key in the ignition, before I grabbed my bag out of the passengers side and before I loped through the doors of my own, I would always look to yours.

And I would always know there were friends inside. Friends who were grieving beside us, friends who were celebrating birthdays with us and smiling back at us and who recognized hard days and whose hugs brought with them, and still do, feelings of peace and familiarity . There were big hearts inside that home just a few yards away, and to know those big hearts cried and celebrated and danced and hugged alongside ours meant (and means) the world.

There’s a quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) strength about you that has always radiated off your bones. Maybe it’s the faith that covers each step you take, maybe it’s the heart that keeps on beating with joy despite the obstacle around each bend, maybe it’s the trust that’s guides your days, or maybe it’s the spitfire that runs through the blood that fills your veins. Whatever it is, it’s there and it’s beautiful. It’s a comfort and it’s a sense of reassurance. It’s you and I love it.

And I know it’s helped mom day in and day out. Thank you for being just around the bend for her. Thank you for holding her hurting heart in your protective and comforting hands. Thank you for reminding her of the joy and the peace that lives and that awaits, for reminding all of us.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Mrs. Sandman,

I know we're not supposed to think that the world revolves around us, but some part of me really does believe that you were at the junior high, among many, many other reasons, to intercept the jagged and spiraling path I was headed down. It's frightening to think where I would be without you today, for your advocating for me, belief in a better me, and support of my struggles helped carry me over to a better place. I will be forever grateful for the role you played in junior high me's life, and will always think of you as a sort of saving grace angel in my life.

Thank you for believing in me during those questionable days and for believing in me all the days since. I can feel your cheers and support from Bellville to Katy to Georgetown and will take them with me all the days of my life.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Marlene,

Your voice on the other end of that phone, sometimes multiple times a day, was the first comforting step in the right direction. The first sign that I was on the right path to my daddy. If anyone else answered the phone first, I was always disappointed. "Where was my chance to say hi to Marlene?," I would always wonder. I came to love you through those small but frequent interactions, and you felt like such a part of the every day through the "hellos and how are you's" and "hang on allie while i get him for you." Thank you for being a bright spot in dad's day and my day any time we came across each other.

Thank you & I love you.

Dear Mrs. Wilke,

Your classroom was a place of refuge. The space inside your four walls much a much-needed break from the inquisitive eyes and the gnawing jaws of five hundred of my fellow peers. It was a safe place, a place where I could open the cabinet doors behind your desk and see my brothers name in his own handwriting, a physical reminder that we shared this same life, those same four walls within those larger four walls, the same love and life I felt so far away from those days. It was a square room I could feel protected and loved in, even if for just fifty or so minutes five days a week. To a hurting teenage girl, those were precious moments.

Your embrace was always warm, a cross between friendly and motherly. Your voice and words, encouraging and full of hope. Your spirit fun and soft. You were a constant bright spot each day, and any time I see you now, still are.

Thank you and I love you.

Dear 15 year old me,

I'm not afraid of you anymore. I love you, and I thank you for molding me into twenty-seven year old me. I'm so sorry for all of the things you did to me and I did to you.  Thank you for persevering when all you wanted to do was lay six feet under, too. You may not have been then, but you're one of my heros now. You were magical then and I have a feeling the thirty-five year old version of us will say you were pretty magical at twenty-seven, too.

Thanks you/me, and I love you dearly. Go get 'em.

Dear Debbie,

Everything I love about Brinton, I love about you, too.

Everything I love about Brinton, I thank you for.

Thank you for raising the man of my dreams. Thank you for your softness, your gentle soul, your unwavering support and your encouraging spirit.

Thank you and I love you.

Dear Leigh-Taylor,

There's a scar on my left knee that makes me think of you every time I look down and see the jagged dip in my kneecap. And without fail, I smile every single time.

I think back to middle school afternoons, feeling like I had found a true friend in this new town I found myself in. I think back to high school, when that true friend I made in junior high, the one I bonded with over pretend photoshoots by her pond, is teaching me (or trying to teach me) how to put on makeup and which drink I like or don't like. I think back to too many slumber parties to count, too many dying-of-laughter situations to possibly remember them all. To toga parties and to prank calls, to many nights and days and trips spent in that little white truck of yours, to comforting hugs and to notes and doodles passed in between classes, to secrets told and secrets kept, to a friendship that was so fun and so special.

Every time I see that scar, I laugh and I thank God for you.

Thank you & I love you, LT.

Dear Rachel,

Despite saying I was fine when I was indeed a hospital stay away from pnemonia, I think you're the most badass, genius, giving lady I have the pleasure of admiring.

I knew I loved you when I heard about your senior prank. I knew only a hilariously intelligent woman who knows how to have a bit of joyful fun would be able to pull that off. I was right.

Thank you for introducing me to shakshuka. Thank you for living your life in a way that broadens mine, simply by association. Thank you for never conforming. I love your free spirited, knows-no-boundaries mind and soul so, so much. 

Thank you for packing up Zach's things, for bringing home the last bit of him that we could still hold in our arms. Thank you for inspiring him to attend MIT. I'm glad that out of the people he chose to look up to and admire himself, he chose you. I choose you, too.

Thank you and I love you.

Dear Mrs. Turner,

Do you think broken hearts, the ones that have been terribly battered, weathered by the storms and left to rot, somehow seem to find their counterparts in other horribly shattered hearts?

I would never have thought so until the same battered hearts brought us to you and you to us, despite having been there beside each other almost the entire time.

Thank you for letting me hide out beneath your wings of protection, inside the four walls of that little office, away from the noise and the predators that were my peers, my memories, my regrets. I don't remember the exact moment I seemed to start finding comfort in your knowing smile, peace inside your arms, or security within your presence - I just remember you were there, immediately. And you've never left since.

You believed in me, supported me, cried with me, talked with me in a way that no other person could have, or did, at the time when I needed it the most. You have a heart of gold, one that beats in steadfast joy for the love it's known and the love it gives, one that drums along to a beat of peaceful serenity, for you know what's on the other side. What a treasure it is to know you.

Thank you, and I will love you, respect you, and cherish you all the days of my life.